So far in this short series on The 7 Habits, we’ve gone over habits 1-4: (1) Be proactive, (2) Begin with the end in mind, (3) Put first things first, and (4) Think Win/Win.
Here’s what we’ll be covering today…
Habit 5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood
One of the most important principles of effective interpersonal communications is to seek understanding before trying to be understood.
Most people have the urge to give advice meant to fix the problems of others before ever taking the time to truly understand the problem from an alternative vantage point.
Communication is the most important skill you can master in life.
Chances are, you’ve spent much time learning to read, write, and even speak well; but how much instruction and coaching have you received in the area of listening?
Train yourself to listen carefully in order to understand the other person and their point of view rather than listening just to formulate a reply.
True listening is done with our ears, eyes, and hearts.
Empathetic listening involves understanding the way the other person sees the world, and how she feels about the situation. It’s not sympathetic or even reflective…
It’s listening for FEELING and MEANING without projecting your own thoughts, motives, and interpretations onto what you’re hearing.
Actionable insights
If you’ve ever said things like, “I know exactly how you feel!” or “The same thing happened to me!” chances are you weren’t truly listening to the other person.
Try this instead: focus on putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and understanding what he or she is expressing BEFORE formulating a response.
For example, instead of saying,
“I know exactly how you feel!”
Come from the standpoint of truly trying to understand where they’re coming from, by saying something like this:
“I just want to make sure I’m understanding where you’re coming from…”
Then simply restate what they just said to you in your own words, and then ask a clarifying question, like one of these:
“Do I have that right?” or
“Am I understanding you correctly?”
Remember: When we learn to deeply understand each other, we open the door to creative solutions to problems because we eliminate the barriers that block clear communication and progress.
Live, in-person training: Want Dean Bokhari to train your group on The 7 Habits? Email hi@deanbokhari.com (write “live training” in the subject for a prompt response)
