2. Practice the art of listening
Welcome back to this short series on How to Win Friends + Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
In our last lesson, I shared the powerful impact you can make by becoming genuinely interested in other people.
Today, we’ll take a look at the art of listening.
Let’s dive in…
Practice the art of listening
“People who talk only of themselves, think only of themselves.” — Dale Carnegie, from How to Win Friends + Influence People
One of the great listeners of the early 20th century was the psychiatrist Sigmund Freud.
Carnegie highlights Freud’s powerful listening skills by telling us about how one man described the impact of Freud’s intense listening during a conversation they had with one another:
“‘It struck me so forcibly that I shall never forget him. He had qualities which I had never seen in any other man. Never had I seen such concentrated attention. There was none of that piercing ‘soul-penetrating gaze’ business. His eyes were mild and genial. His voice was low and kind. His gestures were few. But the attention he gave me, his appreciation of what I said, even when I said it badly, was extraordinary. You’ve no idea what it meant to be listened to like that.’”
Just so we can really hammer it home, here’s another powerful story Carnegie tells us about the impact of listening to others:
“Listening is just as important in one’s home life as in the world of business. Millie Esposito of croton-on-Hudson, New York, made it her business to listen carefully when one of her children wanted to speak with her.
One evening she was sitting in the kitchen with her son, Robert, and after a brief discussion of something that was on his mind, Robert said, ‘Mom, I know that you love me very much.’
Mrs. Esposito was touched and said, ‘of course I love you very much. Did you doubt it?’
Robert responded, ‘No, but I really know you love me because whenever I want to talk to you about something you stop whatever you are doing and listen to me.’”
How powerful is that?
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and felt like they were just *waiting* for you to finish, so that THEY could start talking? To put it plainly: some of the most annoying people in the world are those that don’t listen, constantly interrupt, and care more about *being right* than they do about *doing what’s right*.
Actionable insights
4 steps to becoming a better listener:
1. Listen with your eyes. Soften your gaze, maintain eye-contact (but keep it gentle, don’t stare and be creepy.)
2. Be present. Genuinely connect and listen as you wait for the other person to finish speaking.
3. Digest what they’ve just said. Pause for one or two seconds before responding. Doing this reinforces to the other person that you’re truly listening.
4. Finally, respond accordingly.
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