5. How to get the best of any argument

Free Course: How to Win Friends and Influence People 5. How to get the best of any argument

Welcome back to this short series on How to Win Friends + Influence People by Dale Carnegie. So far, we’ve gone over the following big ideas from the book:

Here’s what we’ll be covering today…

How to get the best of any argument

Let’s say you’re giving a presentation in front of a room full of important people.

Things seem to be going pretty well, until, all of a sudden, BOOM—someone drops a bomb on your confidence and interjects in the middle of your talk…

They’re in vicious opposition to the points you’re trying to drive home.

What do you do?

Do you tell them they’re wrong?

Do you argue?

Do you ignore them?

Do you embarrass them for being rude and interjecting in the middle of your presentation?

No. Here’s what you do:

Align + Reframe.

If someone says “you’re wrong blah blah blah,” we naturally want to defend ourselves and prove them wrong.

But what happens when we do that? Usually, both people end up angry.

So, one way to handle this would be to say something like:

“I can see that” or
“I can appreciate that” or
“I understand where you’re coming from…”

Another way would be to simply agree.

Let’s say someone says that XYZ company makes better widgets than your company does…

Instead of saying, “NO THEY DON’T! We make the best widgets! Let me tell you why…”

A more effective way to handle it would be to align with them and say something like this:

“You know what, they really are an excellent company, aren’t they? I agree with you, XYZ company really does make an excellent quality widget…”

Once you’ve said that, how could they continue to disagree and argue with you?

After you align, it’s time to reframe…

This simply means to gently guide them back to your points without putting your ‘BUT’ in their face. For example: If someone says,

“XYZ company’s widgets are the best!”

DO NOT respond like this:

👎 “I can appreciate that, BUT our company’s widgets are blah blah blah…”

When we use the word ‘BUT’ when we’re responding to someone’s point of view, it can often come off to them like we’re disregarding whatever they just said.

Rather than putting your ‘~~BUT~~’ in someone’s face, just use the word ‘AND’ instead.

So, let’s run it back one more time…

If someone says,

“XYZ company’s widgets are the best!”

An excellent way to respond would be like this:

👍 “XYZ company really does make a great widget, and tell me, how long have you been using their widgets?…

Another great response might be:

👍 “XYZ company really does make a great widget, and if you don’t mind me asking, have you ever tried ours?…”

Actionable insights

In How to Win Friends + Influence People, Dale Carnegie writes: “There’s only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument, and that is to avoid it… Because a man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.”

Let’s use our emotional intelligence to avoid pushing/arguing/telling people they’re wrong—doing this will not help your cause. But here’s what will:

1. Align with them.

2. Find common ground. And then…

3. Reframe the situation so that BOTH parties walk away from the conversation feeling good about it.

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